In our work with family caregivers, we’ve learned that it isn’t unusual for a member of the middle generation to assume the best way to take care of an aging parent is to have that person move in with him or her. But that isn’t always the case.

Any discussion about this new living arrangement needs to begin with two key questions. First: Have other possibilities been considered? And second: Is this something both generations want?

If you are thinking about having your mother or father move in to your family home, remember that adjusting to such an arrangement takes a commitment by your parent, by you and your family. Often the emotions each feel before the move – worry, stress, guilt, anger, jealousy and so on – aren’t eliminated by the new arrangement; unfortunately, they can be intensified.

Sometimes the move just isn’t right. It’s nobody’s fault that Dad is a late-riser and your young children are up at the crack of dawn. Or that your house is already too small and simply cannot accommodate one more person. Or that you were recently promoted at work and right now your new duties leave you little time for anything else.

It’s nobody’s fault that you and your parent get along better with a little more space between you, and that living under the same roof will bring up old issues and attitudes toward one another that neither wants.
Three points to consider:

• It is better for both of you to be honest from the beginning. The hurt from hearing “this won’t work” is less painful than the hurt of living in a situation that could possibly tear the family apart.

• Sit down and talk with your parent before the need arises for any move. Your parent may appreciate the offer but prefer being with other seniors in a community setting. Maybe moving in with you even though your parent loves you dearly would be the last choice, not the first. Or maybe this discussion would be very comforting to the parent.

• You need to ask yourself: Why do I want to do this? Is it because I “have” to? Is it because I’ll feel guilty if I don’t? Is it because my parent or other family members are in some way forcing me to do it?

Or do I want to do this? Is it an opportunity for my children to get to know my parent better? Is it a chance for me in some way to give something back to my mother or father? Is it an opportunity for both of us to spend time together, time that’s passing so quickly?

When the daily grind begins to take its toll, having anyone move into a household can stir things up. You need to have that basic reaction to fall back on: Yes, today you’re tired, but ... Yes, today was a hard day, but ... Yes, tempers flared today, but ...

You know why you agreed to do this. You know why this is good not just for your parent but for you.

On the Web

Forgive us for tooting our own horn a little here, but ... free family care-giving information and resources for individuals can be found at www.YourAgingParent.com and for parishes at www.CatholicCaregivers.com.

Bill and Monica Dodds are the founders of the Friends of St. John the Caregiver and editors of My Daily Visitor magazine. Their Web site is www.FSJC.org. They can be contacted at MonicaDodds@YourAgingParent.com.